Paris Hilton, Christine Lakin, Joel Moore, that douchey comedian on VH1 who actually goes by the name ‘The Greg Wilson,’ a comedy where a guy tries to get an ugly girl a boyfriend so he can date her more attractive best friend.
I have a lot of problems with this film beside that fact that Paris Hilton stars in it and she apparently made up the title too. I did some research on this movie. And by some, I mean I just wanted to see if there were any nudie parts to look forward to. There aren’t. But I also ran across some other useless knowledge. Remember that TGIF show ‘Step by Step’ starring Suzanne Somers, Patrick Duffy, and their six annoying kids? I just realized this is a direct ripoff of ‘The Brady Bunch.’ Yay for no original ideas, Hollywood. Anyway, the “Nottie” in this movie was Al from that show. Remember? Frank Lambert’s butchy daughter who was kind of hot. Well she’s really hot now. So hot in fact that they had to put 3 inches of prosthetics all over her face to make her the ugly friend. If you’re reading this Al, I’ll take you out for a steak dinner. Unless you’re one of those hippie Hollywood types. Then you can watch me eat my steak while I pay less for your Caesar salad. We can talk about important things like the war in Iraq, philosophy, and what Bronson Pinchot is like.
A documentary where Vince Vaughn takes comedians out on a tour with him. Jon Favreau, Justin Long, Dwight Yoakem and the kid from ‘A Christmas Story’ are in here somewhere too.
Vince Vaughn is a great actor. He drinks as much as I do, and talks to women like me but somehow does it with better success. That being said, I don’t know when he turned into a reputable source to tell me what comedians to follow. If I wanted his advice, I’d ask him how his liver hasn’t shriveled into something that resembles his face. Granted, it will be great to see a regular day in his life if that involved riding around on a bus with stupid comedians who probably have material akin to Dane Cook. “Have you ever been walking down the street and something strange happened?” Why yes I have Dane Cook. You’re hilarious.
A horror film starring Jena Malone, Jonathan Tucker, and a bunch of young actors who think this is going to be their big break.
If you’re in your early 20’s and you go to Mexico on a vacation, you better be drinking tequila and eating burritos and bartering for cheap sombreros with the commoners. This film though, involves 20 somethings who think it would be fun to tour some ancient ruins. They get shot with arrows, while bugs crawl into their skin, and vines grow at super speed to entangle them as they try to escape. They asked for it.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story*A Trailer Park Pick
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Trailers: The Forbidden KingdomMichael Angarano, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, a kung fu action adventure.
Long story short, some idiot kid finds a stick with magical powers that give him the ability to do karate. He hangs out with Jackie Chan who eats with his mouth open and beats up on ninja women. Jet Li is apparently in here somewhere too, and I’d venture a guess that his spin kicks give him the ability to do that helicopter kick Ryu used in Street Fighter when you got bored of using that thing where he shoots fireballs from his hands.
The sequel to the fantasy, about some devil-spawn that turns into a crime fighter. Starring Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Jeffrey Tambor, directed by Guillermo del Toro.
Every time Ron Perlman goes to bed, and begins to pray to God or L. Ron Hubbard, he has to thank makeup artists for being in his life. Because without makeup artists and fake hair and prosthetics to cover up his giant rapist face, then he wouldn’t be the star that he is today. Granted, he is only a star from playing monsters, but what do you expect from the guy that played Beast on that creepy ‘Beauty and the Beast’ TV show with the lady that was in Terminator. I remember watching that show as a child, and wondering why Beast looked nothing like an animal that could stand upright and complete coherent sentences. To me, he looked like a human with fake hair all over his face and cerebral palsy. It all came together later in life.
That tall guy from ‘How I Met Your Mother,’ Kristen Bell, Bill Hader, Jonah Hill, Paul Rudd, Mila Kunis, a breakup comedy.
I don’t know how the “the guys that brought you Knocked Up and Superbad” do it, but they’re putting out another film. They must be some film of robot or genetically inspired japanese person with super strength. Irregardless, this looks like it’s going to be really good.
Tracy Morgan, Ice Cube, a comedy about petty larceny. The first trailer is here.
Isn’t it interesting that the same man who wrote “Body Count” and “F*&% The Police” is the voice of reason in this movie? But I guess if your partner in crime was Tracy Morgan who’s too busy chasing the leprechauns who stole his doo doo to read his script, you’re probably left with no choice.
A Gus Van Sant drama about skateboarders involved in the death of a security guard.
Is it really that hard to believe that snot nosed skate boarders would kill a security guard? A security guard, mind you, that probably makes just enough to get by and has to pay alimony for his two precious daughters. While these skate board kids break the law terrorizing old ladies with their wipsy turvy tricks as they break into cars and watch Cinemax movies after their parents go to bed. God forbid a skate boarder gets put into juvenile hall. What would we do if they weren’t around to make another pathetic punk rock band that speaks on such eloquent prose such as love and loss and how high school sucked?
Jodie Foster, Abigail Breslin, Gerard Butler, a fantasy adventure where a reclusive author saves a young girl on a deserted island.
E gads. This is like douchey Indiana Jones. If I was stranded on an island, the last person I would want to come to my rescue would be a hippie feminist writer who has never left her apartment. The pen may be mightier than the sword when you’re writing a manifesto to your school newspaper under an assumed name about the corruption of your state agency, but native indians and a tornado could use their spears and magic rain to make your pen obsolete in war time battle. Although, it is assumed that Jodie Foster’s character does not know how to turn that pen into some projectile that slashes through jugulars with breakneck delivery. I’d believe that.