It probably slipped your mind since you’re a terrorist, but Thanksgiving is on Thursday. And before you start stuffing that turkey or writing down witty retorts about your mother-in-law, go out and rent Home for the Holidays. It stars: Holly Hunter in probably the only movie you’ve ever seen her in. A gay Robert Downey Jr. A stretch? Burn. Dylan McDermott pre-fame. Steve Guttenberg post-fame. Claire Danes pre-legal. The talented Anne Bancroft. And the greatest character in this film, Charles Durning. Also, it says Jodie Foster directed this but I believe that’s one of Fox News’s lies.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pGH0uZDnUZg
*You’re gonna have to click this link yourself since the only douche that has this up on Youtube won’t allow you to embed it.
Trailers: Strange WildernessSteve Zahn, some of Judd Apatow’s people, all of Adam Sandler’s people, a Happy Madison produced comedy about the wilderness.
I’m not sure about this one. Steve Zahn is awesome but the last few Happy Madison films have been some of the stupidest pieces of crap I have ever seen (ie. I was going to list them out but it’s like 15 movies that suck. Go find them yourself.) Listen, I’m not asking for some Freudy-Kafka comedy over-my-head crap but an hour and a half of farting, kicking people in the nuts, and weed jokes basically makes me want to cry. And you don’t want to see me cry. I cried a lot in high school and that got me here, where I live in my parent’s basement and review movie trailers for the four people that actually go to this website. Jordan, if you’re reading this, we’re gaming at 8.
Some horror movie about a girl’s haunted vagina.
Whoever came up with this idea is either the sickest person alive or a staunch feminist. She probably walks around in her hemp socks, talking about Hendrix, and acid, and how she had sex with Jim Morrison on acid. And she hates Bush, but loves tofu, and lesbian porn. And she isn’t embarrassed when she farts in public. And she dances at the beginning of her talk show. And then in the middle of her talk show she shoots out koosh balls. Oh, and she also comes up with some movie where a girl’s vagina eats her doctor. She also hates Melissa Etheridge music but likes her as a person.
Kevin Spacey, some guy, Kate Bosworth, Laurence Fishburne, a film about a gifted MIT student that learns card counting.
This reminds me a lot of Rain Man, except for the fact that the main character in Rain Man wasn’t a cocky douche. And I’m not talking about Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is a cocky douche. I’m talking about Dustin Hoffman’s character. He wasn’t a cocky douche now, was he? Oh, you think he was? Well you’re a jerk.
Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Eric Bana, a historic drama about Anne Boleyn.
Man, Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson in the same movie? I got my fingers crossed that this turns into some awkward lesbian affair and not a really boring biography on someone I failed to learn about in high school. If they do happen to make out, the only thing that would make this better is if Eric Bana played The Hulk again in this whole movie. The only way a film could get better than that is if they reintroduced Smell-O-Vision and the whole time it smelled like delicious taffy.
A J.J. Abrams produced sci-fi thriller.
Apparently this movie revolves around a monster attacking New York. So far it just looks like a really awesome fireworks display. Maybe the monster’s power is setting off awesome fireworks displays that don’t comply with New York state laws, and people just don’t understand the monster. Somebody accidentally sticks some Roman Candles in the wrong place and everybody thinks you’re trying to blow up the world. My friend Joel did that once with cherry bombs at our middle school. He’s in juve’ now. Not for that. He killed his parents. They let him off for the cherry bomb thing with a warning.
An animated film based on the Islamic Revolution.
Call me old fashioned, but I don’t tend to like cartoons if there are no talking animals who can regenerate their heads if they get blown off by shotguns. This is one of those cartoons that professors and doctors let their kids watch, and then their kids go to Ivy League schools and become your bosses, while your kids eat paste, and can name every member of the Partridge Family in order.
Some horror movie with girls in it.
This movie is either so bad or so low on budget that it couldn’t even get somebody like Edward James Olmos or Ed Begley Jr. to star in it. Instead they get a bunch of girls waiting for their big break. Girls, if you’re reading this, this is not your big break. Only one of you will probably ever be famous. And by “famous” I mean you’ll probably have a spread in Maxim and then you’ll get some show on the CW and it will get canceled and you’ll move back home to be the only famous person ever to come out of Bumbershoot, Iowa. The rest of you will probably end up in porn. Softcore if you’re lucky.
Frances McDormand, Amy Adams, a British comedy about a nanny.
There’s nothing the film community likes better than a British comedy starring Americans.
Martin Lawrence, Raven Symone, a children’s comedy.
Oh yeah! With a movie called College Road Trip you’re bound to get a bunch of boobs, chicks making out, and donkey sodomizing. Or just Martin Lawrence touring colleges with his daughter while PG hijinx ensues.